“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here” – Dante’, The Divine Comedy (Inferno)
[What follows is an abbreviated version of a recent telephone conversation I had with the helpline support folks for a major lender. I was trying to help a client who had recently received a notice of foreclosure, although she was current on her modified loan. All names are fictional. The identity of the telephone music has been added for entertainment purposes only. However, I found nothing amusing about this experience. After going through it only once – and based upon client reports who go through it daily – I suspect that Dante’ may have these banks in mind when he created the 8th Circle of Hell. – PCQ]
Time: 1:37 PM, Pacific Standard Time
Ring, ring, ring….
(Recording) “Hello, you have reached Belial Bank’s Borrower Assistance Hotline. We are a debt collector. This call may be monitored or recorded for training purposes. If you are calling to obtain assistance with modifying your loan, say or press “1”; if you are calling to contest an invoice, say or press “2”; if you are calling to pay off a loan, say or press “3”; for all other calls, say or press “666”.
[Number 666 pressed]
(Recording) “This is the Belial Bank Hotline. Your call is important to us. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received…. (Recorded music: Lyrics from “Bank of Bad Habits” Jimmy Buffet, circa 1995)
Male Voice: “Hello this is [unintelligible], may I have your name please?”
PCQ: Hi, my name is Phil Querin. I’m an Oregon attorney. I represent Christy Angelus [Not her real name. – PCQ] Her loan number is #######-###. I’m calling for several reasons. First, my client received a foreclosure notice from you folks, although Belial Bank had previously approved her for a loan modification. She has made all of her required payments. I had previously written a letter to Belial informing it that Ms. Angelus is completely current on her modification, and that there is no basis for commencing a foreclosure. It has been three weeks, and I’ve heard nothing. Secondly, I also sent Belial Bank a Qualified Written Request and have not received any acknowledgment as required by law….” [Silence] “Hello?” Are you still on the line?”
Male Voice: “Yes sir. I’m just checking our records. We have no indication that Ms. Angelus has authorized us to speak with you about her loan.”
PCQ: Well, it was faxed to your office over a week ago. I spoke to someone – she gave her name too fast for me to understand it – but she confirmed to me that my fax had been received and had been uploaded into your system.”
Male Voice: “Please hold.” (Recorded music: “Patience” by Guns N’ Roses, circa 2008.)
Time: 1:49 PM, Pacific Standard Time
Mail Voice: “Thank you for holding.” We have located the authorization signed by your client. However, all I see here is her signature, but it doesn’t identify you, or say that you represent Ms. Angelus. Before I can speak with you I will need a more complete authorization.”
PCQ: ” Sir, I have my client’s authorization in front of me. I faxed it to the number that appears on Belial’s website. It is on my letterhead stationary. It expressly states that I represent Ms. Angelus on this matter. It authorizes you to speak with me regarding her loan modification and the foreclosure. This is a two page letter. I believe you’re just looking at the second page. Don’t you have both?”
Male Voice: [Pause] “Oh….Please hold.” (Recorded music: “Heaven and Hell” Black Sabbath, circa 1980)
Time: 2:07 PM, Pacific Standard Time
Male Voice: “Thank you for holding sir. We’ve located the letter. I have it in front of me. Now, what was your name?”
PCQ: “Phil Querin – it’s on the letter right in front of you.”
Male Voice: “Yes, thank you. And your client….”
PCQ: “’Your client’ what?”
Male Voice: “Your client’s name?”
PCQ: “Her name is Christy Angelus. Her loan number is ########-###. That’s what I told you at the start of this conversation. Both my name, her name, and our signatures, are all on the authorization that’s in front of you.”
Male Voice: “Thank you. Now what may I do for you?”
PCQ: “Is this some sort of game with you? It’s been a half hour since I placed this call, and we’re no closer to having a discussion about resolving this problem than when I first called. Belial said my call was important to them. It sure doesn’t sound like it. Let me speak to your supervisor.”
Male Voice: “Certainly. Please hold.” (Recorded music: “Last Laugh” by Iced Earth, circa 2007)
Time: 2:19 PM, Pacific Standard Time
Supervisor: “Hello, this is [unintelligible], who am I speaking with?”
PCQ: “ My name is Phil Querin. I’m the attorney for Christy Angelus, who just received a foreclosure notice from you folks, even though two weeks ago, Belial Bank agreed to do a loan modification for her.”
Supervisor: “Please hold.” (Recorded music, “Lyin’ Eyes,” The Eagles, circa 1975.)
Time: 2:26 PM, Pacific Standard Time
Supervisor: “Thank you for holding. This file has been transferred to the “Office of the President.” You’ll be speaking with Lucy Furr. Her number is xxx.xxx.xxxx, extension #666. I will transfer you now.” (Recorded music: “Would I Lie to You?” by The Eurythmics, circa 2009)
Ring, ring, ring….
(Recording) “Hello, you have Lucy Furr’s voice mail. The office is now closed. Please call back during normal business hours.” (Recorded music: “Wasted Time” Eagles, circa 2007.)
To be continued….
