“Why, anybody can have a brain. That’s a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the Earth or slinks through slimy seas has a brain. Back where I come from, we have universities, seats of great learning, where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts and with no more brains than you have. But they have one thing you haven’t got: A diploma.” [The Wizard of Oz to the Tin Man]
If you’ve been looking for an official certificate or two to hang on your wall, now’s your chance! We have just the program for you! It won’t require years of unnecessary education, boring professors, expensive text books, and– best of all – you won’t have to give up your day job!
Forget about being an attorney. They’re too stodgy and stuffy, anyway. For little or nothing, you can have the next best thing – a POWER OF ATTORNEY! Yes! An official document, saying that you’ve been duly appointed to sign IMPORTANT LEGAL DOCUMENTS. You can even record your POWER OF ATTORNEY in the public records of your county, for the whole world to see. Or, if you want, you can secretly keep it off the public record, adding to that air of mystery and intrigue. Imagine how impressed your friends will be when your name begins to appear on IMPORTANT LEGAL DOCUMENTS that get recorded in the public records. And best of all, some of the largest and most important publicly traded lending institutions are in need of your services today!
What can you do with a POWER OF ATTORNEY? Well, you can sign all sorts of documents. And these aren’t just any documents – they’re IMPORTANT FORECLOSURE DOCUMENTS! Now you can be a part of this exciting new field that has people all over the country talking.
Suppose a VERY LARGE BANK wants to foreclose a family out of their home for nonpayment of their mortgage. This is no small task. But Oregon and many other states have made it easy. Although it requires that VERY IMPORTANT PAPERWORK be prepared and sent to the homeowner and then advertised in the local newspaper; it is so routine that homeowners never question it – especially after several copies of this VERY IMPORTANT PAPERWORK have been mailed to them, personally served on them, and then pasted on their front door! Why, even if they did understand what was happening, they’d have to file a lawsuit to stop the process, and we all know that homeowners don’t have the appetite or money for that.
VERY LARGE BANKS are quite busy these days, since they have lots of home foreclosures to complete before their annual shareholder meetings. While these VERY LARGE BANKS’ high paid executives could sign the foreclosure paperwork, they’re far too busy focusing on their intangible book value (also known as “goodwill”). (Come to think of it, their stock prices and market caps haven’t been so hot lately, either.) This is where you come in. Armed with your new POWER OF ATTORNEY, you can sign hundreds, perhaps thousands, of foreclosure documents for VERY LARGE BANKS. This gives them added time to deal with angry stockholders, upset REMIC investors, curious state Attorneys General, furious judges, and maybe even the IRS and Securities and Exchange Commission. You will have the pleasure of knowing that you played a small, but important, role in a real problem faced by these VERY LARGE BANKS today – having to comply with those pesky state laws requiring that needless paperwork be prepared, signed and recorded, just to kick someone out of their own home. Imagine!
But wait! There’s more! If you order today, we’ll throw in…absolutely free…the position of CORPORATE VICE PRESIDENT of another VERY IMPORTANT COMPANY, whose members are some of the best known VERY LARGE BANKS in the country. We’ll even prepare a CORPORATE RESOLUTION for you – suitable for framing – declaring that you are an official CORPORATE VICE PRESIDENT!
What are you entitled to do in your new position as CORPORATE VICE PRESIDENT? The opportunities are endless! Much like the POWER OF ATTORNEY, you’ll be able to sign IMPORTANT LEGAL DOCUMENTS that the salaried executives and officers of this VERY IMPORTANT COMPANY are far too busy to sign. And acting in these two capacities at the same time, you can sign several documents all in one sitting. Why, if you’re also a state licensed foreclosure trustee, you can sign documents from the VERY IMPORTANT COMPANY to the VERY IMPORTANT BANK and then over to your own trustee service. Imagine how much faster you can foreclose people out of their homes!
And to emphasize the importance of your new position as CORPORATE VICE PRESIDENT, you will have to pass a Test! When was the last time you had to take a real test just to get a job? Well now you can! This test consists of ten – count ‘em, ten – multiple choice questions. If you answer at least eight of the questions correctly – yes, that’s 80% – you will automatically pass!
But don’t fret. The VERY IMPORTANT COMPANY’S own website has “sample” questions, you can read before taking the exam. And if you act now, for a nominal charge, we’ll even throw in an official rubber stamp with the words “Vice President” prominently displayed. (Ink pad not included.)
Imagine! Armed with your CORPORATE VICE PRESIDENT official rubber stamp, you’ll be able to process foreclosures in your spare time. Some signers have reportedly been able to sign up to 18,000 separate documents in a single month! You’ll be the darling of the banking industry. Your friends will envy your notoriety. Never again will there be those whispers and ugly rumors.
And you won’t be signing just any documents. No! These will be OFFICIAL FORECLOSURE DOCUMENTS with IMPORTANT NAMES, such as an “Assignment of Trust Deed” and “Appointment of Successor Trustee.” Think how much time you’ll be saving the VERY IMPORTANT COMPANY and the VERY LARGE BANK from having to track down the real documents. In fact, it isn’t important where a silly piece of paper is. You’ll be helping the entire lending industry to process their paperwork, while they process their loans.
With your help, the VERY LARGE BANK won’t have to explain to anyone – especially it’s REMIC investors, the IRS, or the SEC – why it is foreclosing on a trust deed [and its companion promissory note] everyone thought was tucked safely away with the Trustee of some remote REMIC with a funny name. Now you can be a VERY IMPORTANT PLAYER in this elaborate and mysterious shell game!
Worried about paperwork, filing, typing, notaries, etc? Paperwork is so yesterday! We’ve got you covered! All of the documents will be prepared in advance by a team of specialists, including some lawyers and their paralegals. This way, you won’t even need to read what you’re signing. And don’t worry about penmanship. The more illegible your signature, the better. There will be convenient spaces in the forms for you to insert your official title, such as “ATTORNEY IN FACT” or “VICE PRESIDENT” and the name of the company you’re signing for. And don’t worry about where to sign – we’ve got that covered too! We’ve selected secret code words to point the way. Words like – “Bad Bene” and “Bogus Assignee” to name a few. [“Place Holder” is too pedestrian.] Pretty soon, after a few thousand signatures, you’ll get the hang of it. Heck, you can even do it blindfolded!
Worried about notarization? – That’s the ridiculous old requirement that someone verify they actually saw you sign, and that you are who you say you are. Imagine, in our fast-paced world of high speed computers, electronic mail, electronic signatures, and photocopy machines, why do we still need an old law dating back to ancient Rome? Whatever happened to Trust? Not to worry – we’ve got that silly old law covered too! We’ll take your signed paperwork and get it all notarized for you at a later time. We’ll even take the documents to the courthouse for filing. Now how easy is that?! BUT HURRY. THIS OFFER WON’T LAST LONG. OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!
This is a paid advertisement. Its Flesch-Kinkaid readability and comprehension score is suitable for 8th graders and above. A willingness to follow orders and not ask questions is required. Car not necessary.
