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Chapter 666 – Loan Mod Callers
This Chapter describes how all loan modification phone inquiries at Belial Bank are to be handled, from the first intake call to the last. No departures from this policy are permitted without the written consent of our bank president, B.L. Zebub. If you are unable to reach B.L., please contact his personal assistant, Lucy Furr for further instructions.
1. Adopt a tone of complete disinterest. Do not permit yourself to interact with the caller on a personal level. Avoid at all costs any tone of sympathy, empathy, or compassion. Words and phrases such as, “I understand,” “Gee, that sounds horrible,” or “Tell me how I can help,” are to be avoided at all cost. Do not address the caller by their first name. If any attorney calls, address them as “Attorney ________ “(insert last name). This approach sends the message to the caller that they are merely a number, much like the people queuing up to renew their driver’s license – except that those people actually get their licenses renewed! If you have difficulty in reaching the level of required emotional detachment, we suggest that you mute your side of the call, and completely immerse yourself in clipping or filing your nails, or engage in some other personal hygiene tasks that can be accomplished without leaving your call station or removing your headphones. If that fails, interrupt the caller to say that you’re still trying to retrieve all of their files, and tell them you are putting them on hold “for a few moments.” Then watch a movie on your laptop. We suggest you select from the following: Omen, Damien I, II, or III, Rosemary’s Baby, Angel Heart, or similar lighthearted and uplifting movies recommended by our Personnel Department. If the caller is still on the phone when your movie is over, apologize for the delay (but offer no excuses), and ask them their name and loan number, as if you had never spoken to them before.
2. Use inclusive words that are calculated to create the appearance you have human resources experience. For example, avoid the use of such pedestrian phrases as “I will call you tomorrow,” or worse, “Let’s touch bases next week.” That brings you down to the level of the caller, and humanizes you, when your goal should be the complete opposite. Instead, use the phrase, “I will reach out to you….” This type of language gives the appearance that you’re a fully trained and expert “negotiator,” fully educated in psychology and other soft sciences. This will impress your caller, and dispel the frequently repeated rumor that you actually got your job by answering a blind ad, saying “No experience or car necessary; GED preferred, but not necessary.” Our Personnel Department has a complete listing of similar words and phrases that will impress the caller with your apparent, albeit false, professional training.
3. The Question and Answer Loop. Remember, your Number One Goal is to avoid giving answers. Instead, you are to barrage your caller with inane questions. If you run out of questions, start asking the same ones over again. While this may infuriate your caller, our statistics reveal that by the time these folks get through 45 minutes of recorded instructions, elevator music, and phone transfers, they are so elated to reach a live person that they don’t dare hang up on you. They will actually believe you care. When selecting questions to ask the caller, we suggest you ask questions you already know the answer to, such as their address, loan number, and name. When they give you the information, repeat it v-e-r-y slowly, giving the caller the impression you’re actually taking it down. Since you already have that information, this act is an unnecessary waste of time – but it’s the appearance that counts. If you want to write an “air message” and tell the caller you’re taking down their information, that is fine. Go through the same exercise with their age, birth date, and other vital statistics. If you still run out of questions, ask as officially as you can, “What is your astrological sign?” If they react negatively this tells you that they are still paying attention and are not sufficiently softened up yet. In this case, you must resort to using selections from the “List of 1000 Inane Questions” we provide at the back of this Manual. If you do this properly, it should be able to consume approximately 66 minutes of mind-numbing babble, while they will not ever have received a single substantive answer from you about the status of their loan modification. This rope-a-dope approach to loan modifications is a patented and proprietary Belial Bank program, proven successful in millions of loan mod calls. It will eventually wear the caller out in much the same way as it wore out George Foreman in “The Rumble in the Jungle.”
4.The Irate Caller. You should expect several of these customers a day. This is to be expected, since the vast majority of them will never receive a permanent modification, even though they are led to believe they will. This results in uncontrollable frustration, which tells us that we are accomplishing our ultimate goal of obfuscation and delay. In any effect, we then get to report inflated numbers to the federal government about how many distressed homeowners we’re helping. When we are criticized for the small number of completed modifications we can blame it on the homeowners, saying that they failed to comply with our reasonable requests. When callers raise their voices, cry, shriek, shout, or otherwise demonstrate that they are at their wits’ end, you are to remain impassionate. Our studies reveal that the best way to get back at these folks is through the fine art of “passive aggression.” While initially they may think they will make headway on their modification by aggression, the exact opposite will occur if you closely follow these strategies:
- Keep your voice in a monotone, like “Hal” in 2001 Space Odyssey.
- Use their anger to undermine their goals; speaking softly, say things like “Well, by the tone of your voice, it appears that you really don’t want the modification we were about to offer you. I think this call is over. We’ll transfer your file to our foreclosure department. Have a nice day.” You will quickly learn that this tact results in an immediately submissive, puppy dog, demeanor. This creates what Belial likes to refer to as the “Stockholm Syndrome” in our loan mod callers. They will then immediately toe the line for fear you are going to shred their paperwork and then act as though you’ve never heard of them before.
- Pretend you haven’t heard a word they’ve said. Make up answers that have no relationship to what they’re asking. Our studies show that non sequiturs can be very off-putting to the irate caller, since they have to stop, think, and do a reality check to decide if it’s you or them that’s crazy.
5. The Accusatory Caller. These are the folks that seem to think we caused the mess they now find themselves in. Sure, we offered loans and loan terms you’d have to be an idiot to ignore (as the “Friends of Angelo” can attest). But that’s no excuse. They signed the loan and it’s their problem now. Fortunately, we sold the paper shortly after closing these toxic loans, so we don’t have to deal with them anymore. Here are some stock responses you should use when the caller accuses Belial Bank of shoddy and shady loan practices:
- Answer to the accusation that the banks made no effort to qualify their borrowers, thus causing what was called “the subprime crisis”: “Well, that may be true, but if the shoe fits, wear it.”
- Answer to the accusation that the banks’ sole interest in making loans was not to increase homeownership, but to securitize loans into the private label secondary market: “And your point is….?”
- Answer to the accusation that the servicers’ interests are not aligned with the banks, thus causing huge delays in modifications: “Look, we didn’t create the system, HAMP did, and we’re just following the rules.”
- Answer to the question whether we actually own the loan they want to modify, or are simply a servicer: “We’re not allowed to tell you. Besides, what difference does it make to you who owns your loan – you’re in default and have no rights.”
6. The Threat of Lawsuits. These should be handled with care. While most such threats never amount to anything, under no circumstances are you to show fear. Remember, we have paid billions of dollars to our attorneys over the last several years to defend ourselves – even when we know we’re going to lose. That way we send the message that “Might Makes Right.” We can always outspend some angry homeowner who thinks he’s going to teach us a lesson. No one’s ever taught us anything yet, and they’re not going to start now! Whenever any of you receive a demand letter from an attorney, you are to forward it to our lead counsel, Damien Faust. Of course, you are not to tell the caller or writer that you’re doing this. Instead, tell them that their concern has been forward to the “Office of the President” who will “reach out” to them shortly. The official sounding name, “Office of the President,” will give false hope to the borrower that a single letter from some backwater attorney has actually paved the way for their modification. They apparently don’t know that we routinely ignore all such letters, including those silly Qualified Written Requests. RESPA may apply to some banks, but not to us. We’re too big to fail, and we’re also too big to comply. While the attorney and client are distracted by our “Office of the President” ruse, it will give us time to figure out our legal strategy. It will also give us time to develop background information on the borrower’s attorney, evaluate whether he/she knows what they’re talking about, and generally waste more time. Remember that many federal and state lending violations have short statutes of limitation, so there may be a chance to stall the other side until their claim legally expires. Time is always on our side. Remember our motto: “When it comes to time, Belial will be here for eternity.”
7. The Goody-Two-Shoes Caller. Belial finds these people the most offensive of all – even worse than foreclosure defense attorneys. They actually believe they are on the side of the angels. That is not a side we care to be on. Additionally, these callers seem to uniformly believe that Dale Carnegie tripe about “winning friends and influencing people.” As you already know from our Employment Policy link posted online, we do not hire anyone who has ever attended – or plans to attend – a Dale Carnegie course. We at Belial Bank regard such pablum as heresy. Our business model relies upon the exact opposite mission: “Making enemies and frightening people.” Our studies show that fear is a far more effective motivator than kindness. Remember, most people do not bank with Belial because we are “nice.” Rather, we suspect that our borrowers , depositors and customers are actually subliminally driven by the desire for power and influence on the scale of Belial Bank. That is why we have so many politicians in our pocket. Since most of our customers cannot achieve in their ordinary humdrum lives what we have accomplished through guile, avarice and raw power, they continue to bank with us. This is what we want, customers who don’t see us for what we are, but for what they want to become. Simply stated, that is the soul of the matter.
8. For Our Spanish Speaking Borrowers Seeking Modification. In the event a caller is not fluent in English, and prefers using Spanish, you are to transfer them to Mr. Diablo, and he will follow through with Instructions Nos. 1 – 7, above.
