Breaking News! An exciting new board game has just been introduced to the marketplace – THE MODIFICATION GAME! Not since the Great Depression have people had this much fun at home. Gathered around the kitchen table, your friends and family will squeal with delight as they compete against one another in this fast paced contest of wills and skills. Ethics not required.
The object of the game is simple: See which one of you can foreclose a family the fastest. And here’s the twist – while each family thinks they’re getting a loan modification, the joke’s on them! Actually, while they’re negotiating with a make-believe “home modification expert,” you’re actually setting them up for a foreclosure! Can you imagine the look on your opponent’s face when they learn that the home they thought they could keep, was actually being taken away from them?
With a game board that looks somewhat like its outdated predecessor Monopoly [who pays full price for a bunch of little green plastic houses anymore? They’ll be half price at the foreclosure auction!], all of the players start from the same place and with the same amount of money. But with one spin of the Moral Compass, things really change. The one whose spin is the farthest from true North, gets to be a “Belial Banker.” The loser has to be the Hapless Homeowner. Then with a roll of the dice, the excitement begins. Both players draw from their stack of cards. Each card tells them how many spaces they will get to move forward, and contains hilarious messages that will keep the whole family in stitches!
If you’re the Belial Banker, you will delight your family as you read each surprise message to the Hapless Homeowner:
- “I’m sorry, we can’t seem to find your financial information, can you please send it again?” (This message has been an enduring favorite.)
- “Our Net Present Value test shows that we’ll make more money foreclosing you, than helping you. Sorry.”
- “HAMP? What’s HAMP?”
- “What do you mean you can’t afford this mortgage; our records show you’ve got at least $7,000 in your child’s 529 college fund.”
- “Congratulations! Our modification program will save you $16.79 a month!”
And if you’re the Hapless Homeowner, the family will gasp in mock horror, as you tell Belial Bank:
- “Two days after you approved my loan modification, I received notice you’re foreclosing me. How can this be?!”
- “So after three months’ trial modification, you’ll modify my loan and I can get on with my life. Right?”
- “Can you explain why my credit score keeps dropping while I am making all the modification payments you’ve asked for?”
- “If you put the remainder of my monthly principal payments on the back end of the loan and continue to charge interest, isn’t that the same as the negatively amortizing loan that got me into this mess?”
- “Why can’t I ever talk to the same person twice?”
As each opponent moves toward the finish line, the excitement becomes almost unbearable. Will the Hapless Homeowner have time to get their loan modified? Will they be foreclosed? Will they finally learn that Belial’s fax number actually connects to a paper shredder and not a facsimile machine? Will they find out that their modification experts are actually on coffee break when they put the Hapless Homeowner on hold? Will Belial Bank be able to lull the Hapless Homeowner into blissful ignorance as they struggle to beat the foreclosure trustee? The closer to the finish line, the more the tension mounts.
Our board game has been voted “#1” by the mortgage banking industry, the loan servicer industry, and the securitization industry. The game’s inventor, B. L. Zebub, has successfully beta tested it on millions of people. You’ll love it too!
